your thong is hanging out like whoa
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
