I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
