ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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