At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
