worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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