Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
