This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
