So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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