So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
