Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
