Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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