Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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