I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
