i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
