i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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