Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
