So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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