I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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