I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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