the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
