There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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