i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
