Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
