I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
