Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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