Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
