yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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