Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
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