If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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