his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
