puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
