No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
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