dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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