Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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