his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
