she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
