Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
