Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
