I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
When are your genitals available?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize