We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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