you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
