respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize