On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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