I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
