Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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