OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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