I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
