Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
