my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
