i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
