someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
