Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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