If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
