Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
