Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
