I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
