I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
