you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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