we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You made out with two different species that night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
