My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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