his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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