I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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