I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
