if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
